Me

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Sometimes, when I sit alone, I always think of this one thing. How good I'm doing in life? As a person, a son, a brother, an uncle, a friend, an employee, a house mate, a colleague and to my creator?
29 years given to taste and to experience the life on earth. 29 years given to do good and bad things. 29 years to plan and to make it happen. 29 years to sit and to see. 29 years to eat and drink.
Mostly, anyone at my age, they have family, have a good life, have so call empire and even some have a lot to be proud of! Why am I so lazy and stupid, to just sit around and to go with it? Why can't I be more open minded and see what will come to life? Or at least to aspect anything to come in to my life?
Why am I so easily manipulated? Mostly will follow whatever people ask me to do, good or bad. Why can't I make my own decisions? Why all I plan for life, is so tough to be followed, to be achieved? So eager to live alone, to have my own place, to have something that my parents can proud of? One main reason, why am I so damn lazy? If others can do it, why can't I?
Fine, if somebody say I beg for sympathy or whatever equals to that. I will just take it, swallow it. I know I am nothing. Sometimes I don't think I am required for any reasons. Not even supposed to be there, for any reason! Fine then. So, I will just follow whatever so call written to me for my life, from the mighty creator. No questions asked!
I can't become a prophet. I am not a good person, I don't worth anything in short. People say I'm innocence, am I? I'm just naïve, know nothing! Empty!
I never own a house, not even a car! Not even a stable saving for my future! Parents are getting older n older! I can't just depends on them! I have 3 other younger siblings! Am I enjoy too much? Maybe. Do I have the heart in what I am doing now? Maybe I just do it for the sack of money? None other than that! Hopefully!
One of my many weaknesses is I can't hide my face, me expression. But some say I'm kind like somebody with no feelings. Ok fine. Individual though, individual opinion. I just wish I can be someone more clever, more mature to handle not only myself, but also the situations and surroundings. Sometimes I can be mad to somebody that is not even related to it! Sorry for that! You know who are! I don't think they will read this! But I mean it!
It's ok if no one ever read the whole blog, but I take this as a place for me express myself. I am not the one who know how to express myself like others. I don't talk as much as others. I don't know to make jokes. Well, I am who I am. Just trying to be myself.
One more, I am lack of the confidence. Ever since I am a kid I guess. Until now, I have no gut to do almost everything! Damn! Well, it's well known among friends.
What will be your response when you go for something, you know you can get it. But, at the end of the day, you know you are the only one who qualified but you still cannot get it because of certain stupid and unreasonable reasons! You know what I mean? I felt so down and demotivated at that point! I just try to accept it, but I think I cannot. But, as an employee, I have to act like I do not know, just look like I'm ok with that!
I guess we can't satisfy everyone, every single one. Sorry that I think that I am worthless. I guess I have to live with it.


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